carolejo

"Six" is still doing well. The 12 week combi test (Nucal fold & bloodwork) came back low risk. We could clearly see 'him' (Steve is still convinced it's a boy, for me the jury is still out on this one) moving about, swallowing down his amniotic fluid, sucking his thumb & generally waving & kicking 'his' legs.

'He's' got all the right bits, attached in the right places. The only comment back was that the blood result for Papp-A protein is a little on the high side, but as all other indicators are well within normal range, this is nothing to worry about.

So, keep on trucking. I've just contacted Leiden University hospital (LUMC) to book in for my detailed 20 week scan & extra checks, these will be on 26th June at 14:30. Here's hoping everything is still fine then... although there is no reason to suspect otherwise.

love C. xxx

Today we saw a 4 chamber view of the heart. All 4 chambers looking the right sizes. Obviously this is extremely early & they can't say anything for sure about the heart structures, if the internal walls of the heart are closed & healthy, if the pathways are good...

...but we *can* say, our chances of Six having Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome are now vanishingly small.

Really really happy.

12 week nucal scan echo is on Tuesday 1st May. Can't believe I'm approaching the end of the first trimester already!

love C. xxx

Starting with the great news - 9w4d & last night Six was waving at us on the monitor when I went for my scan! I now have my paperwork & my stuff to get my bloods done on Monday. We're past the immediate danger zone, only Daniel & Katie's pregnancies made it this far before.

Good news - my mother-in-law is coming over today, for a long weekend over D's birthday. Hopefully this will mean we can get a bit of rest & recouperate somewhat... something which is very necessary for the reason(s) given below.

We have just parted ways with our childminder.

Ugh. I really didn't want it to come to this. 2 days before he turns 1, Daniel has 'broken' his childminder for real. Please note, I'm not in the business of apportioning blame, the fact that it didn't work out doesn't mean that she's bad at her job (I really believe she isn't), and it doesn't mean that Daniel is a particularly difficult child (because he's actually a pretty easy-going, cheerful little chap in general), but there's something about the combination that has gone badly wrong. It started out with battles over naps & sleep, and in the meantime has degenerated to the point where he's also refusing to eat at hers, or drink his milk, and he spends most of the day just crying & throwing stuff around, or listlessly wandering around, whinging, so he's obviously not happy there anymore.

D's sleeping has been going from bad to worse for quite some time. Nighttimes were just about liveable, but daytime naps were a disaster. In an effort to fix the daytime naps (something largely driven by the troubles at the childminder - here it was always a bit tricky, but a long way from impossible to settle him), somehow we managed to bollocks-up his nighttime sleep in the process and only make the naps WORSE too! Under the guidance of a pediatric nurse, we now find ourselves resorting to the most horrible 'Controlled Crying', with the stated aim of helping him learn to 'self-settle' - something that I *know* he knows how to do anyway if he chooses to! This is absolutely *NOT* the way I wanted to parent my children. I have committed to do this for 2 solid weeks to give it a go, but cannot claim to be in any way happy about it. I must admit that the last few nights have been getting better & he has even started to sleep through now & again (although last night was a toughie & he was up 4 times, he did at least go back to sleep on his own each time, in less & less time), but letting him cry just isn't working during the day at all - he can easily keep going for 2 or more hours, by which time we invariably have to give up & haul him - exhausted, un-rested & angry - back out of his cot to feed him / change his nappy / go out somewhere... Rinse & repeat an hour later with the same effect & after 6+ hours of hollering in a day you start to worry that the neighbours are dialling social services to report us for child cruelty. It's not fair on him & I won't continue with that for the daytime anymore.

If he didn't need a nap, then that would be fine, but obviously he does. He gets so tired during the day, which leads to extra frustration & upset at the slightest things. But oh, convincing him to take one...? Hah. Fat chance. We've tried *everything* and then a few other 'tricks' too. Rocking, wearing him in a sling, wheeling him around in a buggy, laying him in is cot & rubbing his back, feeding him (bottle and/or breast) are all things that *used* to work a charm but now have no noticeable effect. It's like the trust has somehow been broken & he won't give in to sleep. About the only way we've found to get him to sleep during the day at the moment is for me to lie on the bed & breastfeed him... but woe-betide me if I want to move or get up, cos he's up like a shot & crying all over again the minute my breast is removed from his mouth! Obviously, this isn't something we can reasonably get anyone else to do, either.

Bizarely, he does seem to take a nap for his emergency childminder, who is lovely by the way, but lives a 30 minute cycle ride away so it's absolutely NOT workable long-term (more's the pity). So far she reports that he's a cheerful, sunny little soul, easy-going & no problems at all. Seems strange that she can be talking about the *same* kid, huh? All the travel to & fro means I effectively can't go to the office during the week for the foreseeable future - it's a 2 hour trip each way & I couldn't get there before 11am, only to leave before 3pm in order to be back to collect him again! I'd end up spending more time in transit than actually sat at my desk. Homeworking it is then. Fortunately my boss has so far proved remarkably understanding.

So, we need to find a structural, long term, permanent solution for childcare. With the exception of my MIL's visit (for the coming 4 days) we're pretty much on our own here, as all our family & close friends are back in England, we don't have anybody locally who can help out at all. We're working with the agency & also starting to explore other options too. I really hope we can find something we're all happy with, which will work long term & be the right thing for Daniel.

love C. xxx

First scan this morning at 6w4d & so far so good! Little bloblet with flickering heartbeat clear for all to see.

Have decided just to go to my local midwives in Hilversum rather than all the way over to Leiden each week to the clinic. Had a chat with the senior midwife there & she's very happy for us to do this. We have appointments made for every wednesday between now & 12 weeks. Mostly they're in the evening too, which is helpful, because then the boy Steve won't have so much pushback from his work about attending them.

Of course, we've a long way to go, but this is definitely good news.

love C. xxx

EDIT: Other news - Daniel is WALKING!!!! 5 steps accross the library floor on Monday.

Great & exciting news! Pregnancy number 6 is currently ‘in progress’ – I’m 4 weeks pregnant today, due on 10th November this year, if all goes well. I’ve actually known for at least the last 10 days, but only been able to prove it for the last 3, when my early morning test sticks started to come back clearly positive, as opposed to the ‘there *might* be a smudge of a line there if you hold it at the right angle in a bright light’ type of result, which we deem to be inconclusive. I know, I know, logically & medically it’s NOT possible to know you are pregnant when you’re 3 days past ovulation, but hey. I guess I can say I’ve been here before though and have plenty of experience, as I’ve spent something very close to 2 years of my life being pregnant by now.

Of course, I’m the usual crazy mixture of elated, excited & scared witless – with a large overtone of unreality & not feeling like I believe it, yet. With my history, the current best estimate for our chance of carrying this baby to term is approximately 40 to 50%, in other words, the chance of miscarriage is 50% or higher. Still, ‘you have to be in it to win it’ and it’s a new egg, new sperm, new womb lining, whole new chance. There’s no reason why this won’t be ‘lucky number six’ – our third live full-term birth & our second take-home-for-keeps child.

Me being me, I’m telling the whole world, of course. I already told my boss on Thursday. For any newer readers unaware of my stance on this, you can find it HERE. In short though, I’m celebrating & shouting from the rooftops, telling everyone & anyone, because you never know & it might all be over again tomorrow – and yes, I know that means I may have to ‘un-tell’ everyone again, but horrible as that is, it’s actually LESS horrible than nobody even having a clue what you’re going through (I should know. I’ve done this both ways before now).

I haven’t yet contacted my midwives, or the recurrent miscarriage clinic. To be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m doing about the latter – think I’ll just have a word with my local midwives & see if they’d be prepared to (unofficially) see me & scan me every week during the first trimester, rather than going all the way over to Leiden for it. I don’t feel confident enough to just go for it & not get the extra checks, but I probably don’t need the full-on, official, clinic thing either… It still needs thinking about.

So, there we go. No matter what happens, it’s good to know that I can still get pregnant easily enough, despite my concerns over breastfeeding. I’m 99% certain this is the first true cycle I’ve had since we conceived Daniel – my ‘hit rate’ for conception stands at 6 out of 8 cycles when actively trying… oh, if only it were that easy to hang on to them too!

Please cross your fingers & toes for us. Whilst I’m not in any way a ‘believer’, I’ll accept any thoughts or prayers you’re offering, secular or religious.

Love C. xxx

..and now Daniel is finally MOBILE!

In the last week he has mastered all of the following:

Rolling from back to his front (could already go the other way).
Going up from belly to all-fours.
Flipping from all-fours into a sit position.
Cross-crawling (traditional hands & knees crawl) at warp speed.
Pulling up to a stand on anything & everything from all-fours or sit.
Cruising round the furniture, standing up.
Bending over from a stand whilst holding on with 1 finger, to pick something up from the floor, then straightening up again without falling over.
Waving goodbye to me in the mornings.
Using his sippy cup unaided.
Making the 'p.p.p.p.p.' sound we use for EC back at me when he needs to poo.
Stacking a block onto a pile of blocks.
Differentiating between familiar people & strangers.
Cutting his first tooth.

Previously, he was the world's most immobile boy - he'd sit wherever you put him & still be in the same place for hours at a time. Now, I turn away for half a second & he's teleported across the lounge & started pulling the bottles off the wine rack. Eeek. This weekend will be mostly spent 'child-friendly-izing' our house, I fear.

Tomorrow marks his 'OUT' day - out of the womb for as long as he was in it. Next week he'll be 9 months old. Where did my little baby go...?!

I have to say, it's brilliant though, he gets more interesting & fun to be around with every passing day.

love C. xxx

Caitlin Elizabeth Parkinson born 2nd Oct 09 at 18:54, died 4th Oct 09 at 00:55.

To my darling Katie, thinking of you on what would have been your 2nd birthday. We love you & miss you more than words can say.

C. xxx

Over the last couple of days we've noticed a problem. Ever since he was about 4 weeks old, Steve has given Daniel a single bottle of expressed breast milk most evenings - the idea being that he'd then be used to drinking from bottles as well as the breast, and it was a nice thing for Daddy to be able to do when he got in from work each day. Everything was going well but then, over the last week or two, he started to take less & less milk from it. About 4 days ago he suddenly decided he wasn't going to take the bottle anymore & totally refused it - screaming, crying, arching his back, turning his head away, struggling & wriggling, spitting the teat & milk back out... crystal clear signals for "This offends my baby rights! Give me my lovely boobies back RIGHT NOW! I don't want this horrible bottle! I will not have it!! I demand that you TAKE IT AWAY IMMEDIATELY. BRING MY MUMMY BACK HERE NOOOWWWWWWW!!!!"

Steve & I both had a bottle of milk in front of him on Thursday evening. We felt like a right pair of prunes, sat on the sofa, sucking away. He sat in his bouncy chair & watched us intently, gurgling & smiling. I gave him the bottle to play with - fine. I tried to put it in his mouth - he chewed on the teat for a moment or two, and then... Waaahhhh!!!

Yesterday afternoon, I hid at the very top of the house whilst Steve took Daniel for a bit & tried to get him to take a bottle. The agreement was, I wasn't to come back down, no matter what, until at least half past (45 minutes time) or unless Steve called out to me. Needless to say, it was a total failure. Daniel screamed in incandescent rage for 30 minutes flat before we gave up. I feel duty-bound to point out at this stage that ordinarily he's a very placid wee fellow who pretty much NEVER cries. If he hollers for more than 10 seconds at a time, its a lot. If he cries for more than 30 seconds out of a day, it's a big deal with him.

End result of yesterday's 'experiment' - one very hot & bothered, angry & frustrated small baby boy. One extremely frazzled & upset Daddy, who understandably feels very dejected & rejected. One mummy whose nerves have unravelled somewhat - our house is not at all sound-proofed, and I sat up in the attic trying not to cry as I listened to the drama unfolding downstairs. Steve & I just felt like the worst parents ever. Horrible horrible horrible, & I also have a new found (extra) respect for those who have to deal with colicky babies who scream all day every single day.

So, we've given up. Whilst we could probably starve him into submission, this isn't a battle it is worth winning. It's not a battle we're even sure we *want* to win. Yes, this means that I'm chained to him for the immediate future, at least the next 3 months, possibly longer. Yes, this means I won't be able to go out on the town anytime soon... plans to join my new Mum-friends for the 'Mums night out' next Saturday have gone out of the window. Without my boobs, there's no way we'd get him to drink his milk of an evening & then go to sleep! Understandably, I'm not thrilled with this development. If he won't take a bottle, it'll also make 3 days of childminder care, & 1 daddy day per week when I go back to work extremely 'interesting' to say the least. Hopefully by then, he'll accept expressed breast milk in a sippy cup instead..? Afterall, he'll be nearly 7 months old when I go back in November, & a lot can change in that time.

On a related, but different, note, I signed up for the Moedermelk Network to be a milk donor. This is a private organisation which is designed to put mothers who have too little milk in touch with those who have too much, so they can make their own arrangements from there. They put me in touch with a family in Bussum (about 15 minutes drive away) who want my spare milk, plus whatever else I can express, going forward. They came round this afternoon to collect the stock in my freezer. I had initially planned to hold on to some of it for Daniel, but given recent events, decided to give them the lot, 5515ml of milk in total, nearly half of my total freezer space, magically freed up for other things again! As its approximately 10 minutes 'work' to extract 150ml of a morning, the plan is to keep pumping & provide them about a litre a week going forward, which they'll collect each Sunday. If it's more or less on any given week, no big deal. They'll take whatever I can provide. The frozen milk will be thawed & pasteurised, before using or re-freezing. We were amazed how much bigger Daniel was than their little girl, who is actually a week older than him. She was fairly small at birth though, and in the meantime weighs about as much as Daniel did when he was first born. They've said they'll bring her back in a month or so, so we can see what difference there is & how much my extra milk has helped.

This is Carole, the premium jersey-cow, in Hilversum, signing off for now.

love C. xxx

It's been nearly 7 weeks since my most precious one was born. It's to be expected that, as his mother, I would consider him to be especially beautiful, but even total strangers will stop us on the street & exclaim over how cute he is & that he has such a gorgeously shaped little head & face. I much prefer to carry him around in a Mei-Tei sling, snuggled up close to me where I can kiss his soft hair 50 times a day, instead of wheeling him around in a buggy. This too attracts a certain amount of attention & comment - 99.9% favourable - as you just don't see much of that around here. You see the odd baby strapped & dangling from a baby-Bjorn, but that's about the lot.

I scarcely dare say how well everything is going, for fear that I won't be believed! Daniel is a wonderfully calm & placid little soul. He very rarely cries at all, in fact if he's spent more than 15 seconds in total crying on any given day, then it's a lot for him. At night, he regularly gives us at least 1 stretch of about 5 hours rest, and then another of at least 3 hours. He wakes from his naps cheerfully & calmly & will lie there looking around at everything, smiling up at us, waving his hands about & gurgling gently to himself. When he's hungry, he turns his head back & forth with his mouth opening & shutting & tells us 'Ah Ah Ah AH!" Trapped wind is announced with a high pitched squeak and that certain set of the lips, or by him becoming increasingly restless as he feeds instead of more relaxed. He's not sicky, provided we don't continue to feed him when he has wind (as I found out to my cost just that one time!) When he needs to poo, he squirms, stops / refuses to feed (if we're feeding at the time) & tells us 'Uh Uh Uh." (We're doing a kind of 'EC-lite' which basically this means that when we change his nappy, we hold him out over a bowl in a special way & 'cue' him with a 'p p p p' sound. He then poos in the bowl instead of in the nappy. In this way, we 'catch' about 95% of his poo & only have to wipe him gently rather than clean it all off his whole bottom. Yes, this really does work. No, I haven't totally lost the plot!) We have about 3 or 4 minutes to react to these signals before he will escalate, getting gradually more & more upset. Only if we have totally missed it & weren't paying any attention at all will the 'Alert' go off properly - in which case I'm afraid to say Steve & I will mock him gently as we soothe his crying because it really does sound like he's shouting at us "Alert! A-Lert! A-LERT!!!". "Oh Dear!" we'll say. "The Daniel Alert has gone off!! We'd better find out what's wrong!"

Breastfeeding is going amazingly well too. With my fair & sensitive skin, it was very painful at the start & will probably always remain a bit uncomfortable for the first few seconds when he latches on. Fortunately, I had excellent help & support to establish feeding & received the right advice at all points. For example, in those first few days when it was literally toe-curling, my kraamverzorg lady told me "Not more than 6 minutes per side at the start. It doesn't matter if you feed every half an hour for 6 minutes at a time if he wants it, but it's important to let your nipples harden properly & prevent damage." I must say it worked, because I've not had a single instance of cracked or bleeding nipples, no blocked ducts & only mild engorgement at times. Also, in those first few painful days, it helps to know that there will be a definite end point to that feed. After about 3 or 4 days, things had settled and I was able to let him feed for as long as he demanded without suffering a great deal - the pain would recede within a minute or two at most. If I have any 'problems' at all with breastfeeding, then it's one that most women would be jealous of - that of over-supply. By the time Daniel was 4 weeks old, there was already more than 3 litres of surplus expressed breastmilk in my freezer. I try to pump as little as possible because it will only make the problem worse, but at 4am I just don't have a choice. I pump one side as he feeds from the other. 10 minutes work with a hand-pump yields more than 150ml of milk (that's in excess of 5oz in old money). If the 2 wells attached to my chest aren't capped off correctly (with tightly placed pads or 'lilypads') or attached to a suitable receptacle (Daniel or a pump) my milk literally squirts everywhere in 3 or 4 directions at once like some demented fountain. To borrow a phrase from my mother-in-law, I could knock a fly off a rice pudding at 50 paces with them! I'm rapidly running out of space to store it all.

Although it's working very well, I must confess my feelings about breastfeeding are mixed ones. I have no plan to stop doing it - I'll continue to breastfeed Daniel for as long as he wants it. It isn't actively unpleasant, but it's never going to be my favourite activity either. Yes, it's lovely to be snuggled up with him. Yes, there's a huge sense of accomplishment & pride in being able to provide for my son in such a direct & personal way. Yes, it's quick, easy, convenient. I've never had much (bodily) modesty to speak of, and I'm not overly concerned with my personal dignity either, so the fact that I'm flashing my boobs around in front of all & sundry doesn't bother me a jot (if anyone has a problem, then it's THEIR problem not mine... although so far nobody has ventured to comment). I'm aware it's the most natural thing in the world, but still can't help feeling that it's very odd to have a small person clamped to my nipple, extracting fluid from me! Some women report a sense of euphoria when their milk lets down, but for me it's just mildly uncomfortable & strange-feeling. In general, I have to report that I'm also noticeably stupider than usual right now. I'm missing about 40 IQ points. I don't know if this is hormonal, or due to sleep deprivation - I suspect the former though as Daniel is also letting us get an amazing amount of sleep most nights & I'm probably even more rested than I was in the last weeks of pregnancy.

The Lyra-Cat has adjusted quickly to the new world order - a place where being 'top-cat' no longer means she is the absolute centre of attention all the time. She still gets plenty of love & cuddles all the same though, and will usually come & sit on my other knee & snuggle in to Daniel's legs as he feeds, purring away at us both. With some gentle guidance, she's learned that she mustn't walk over him or climb on him. She seems pretty protective of her 'big-little human brother' - she likes to watch over him from a short distance away but won't get too close unless one of us is right there with her. On those rare occasions that Daniel cries, she'll come to find us & join in with him, "Alert" "Mieow!" "Alert" "Mieow!!" as if to say "Humans! There's a problem with the little one that needs to be fixed & I'm bringing it to your attention!!" We've been working hard to find that proper balance between utter paranoia & ensuring that Lyra is still made to feel welcome & included. For example, we have a cat-net for his Moses basket to discourage over-zealous felines with their 'investigating feet' from clambering in whilst we're all sleeping & can't pay proper attention. We're careful not to leave the two of them unattended together, but encourage them to take an interest in each other under supervision. So far it seems to be working.

So, overall, my life is pretty dull & uneventful, yet at the same time oddly full & fulfilling. I find I can hardly imagine a time when I did anything else - but that's nothing unusual for me. I've commented before that I seem to have a strange lack of imagination about such things. Whatever it is I'm doing right now feels like what I've always been doing & I can't imagine doing anything else. This makes me somewhat change-adverse, but at the same time extremely adaptable (as soon as the change has happened, I adjust in zero time & it again feels as if I've always done things that way). Just because caring for Daniel is the most important job in my world though, doesn't make it the most exciting! I can already see a day when I will be climbing the walls.

Perhaps it's just as well I'm missing those IQ points, afterall.

love C. xxx

...and the wee boy is now 58cm long - a whole 4cm longer than when he was born, 3 and a half weeks ago.

At least I now know where all that milk is going! He's a bottomless pit at the moment ;-)

love C. xxx